Friday, February 24, 2012

Letters I'll Never Send

Every so often something touches me so deeply that I find myself composing a letter in my head. Some of these letters are complimentary, some are critical and others are just things I would like to say to those I am unable to say them to, for various reasons.

Today I found myself composing many letters as I drove home in the rain...

Dear Prima Donna Tailgater in the Lexus SUV:  Is it really necessary to be that close to everyone you drive behind?  Is there some emergency or are you late for a mani/pedi?  You actually had me trying to remember what was in the back of my van that could become ruined if I slammed on my brakes and allowed you to rear end me and pay for repairs to my van and massages for me 3 times a week?  Be thankful the kids' trombone was back there.

Dear WXLO, 104.1 and Kiss 108:  I listen to the radio from approximately 8:15 - 9:30 AM and from 2 - 3:15 PM Monday through Friday.  Yes, I am a channel surfer.  Would it be possible for all of you to refrain from playing Adele songs or "Moves Like Jagger" during that timeframe or at least from all playing them at the same time?  I might like those songs more if you played them less. Thank you.

Dear Grandmas Rahn and Tilleman:  I miss you.  You would love my children, and they would have loved you.  I'm sad that you weren't able to know each other.

Dear Mrs. Raymond:  You were mean, and I still think it's funny that my sisters and I dragged the big tree branch across the street so you would have to move it before you could go to work.  Were you late that day?  P.S. You were also lame to rat us out.

Dear Mel:  I miss your beautiful self, your smile, your laugh, your outward beauty and most especially your inward beauty and our talks.  You will forever be remembered and loved by so many.  P.S.  Remember the hockey fight?  And Arty and Martha's Jack and Jill?

To my Girls from Worcester:  I honestly believe that Boston Billiards,  Rack 'n Rhythm and ShBooms went out of business because we grew up.

Dear Murdock High School:  Remember that year when a large number of seniors failed English and had to each pay $300 for a summer packet they needed to pass to get their diplomas?  Well, while the students are also to blame, rumor has it that their teacher wasn't properly certified to be teaching that particular class.  I kinda feel that you should split the summer packet bill with us.  I'll be watching the mail for my check.  Please include extra for pain and suffering, mine, not my child's.

Dear Eddy:  Thank you for volunteering your time and helping out with Winchendon Pop Warner.  You have no siblings or parents associated with the organization, yet because you enjoy the game of football, you gave up your time that you could have been hanging with your friends or working or chilling to help the youth in your town develop as football players.  Proud of you!

Dear Doctors:  When we as parents bring our sick children in to see you, it is because we have already tried the home remedies and feel that something is wrong that requires a diagnosis and a prescription.  When you tell us they have a "virus that has to run its course" and suggest the same over-the-counter medications, we leave there minus a co-pay and plus a sick child.  Could you make up some diagnosis, I don't know, maybe copaytakingitis?

Dear Police Officers:  I realize you are not all guilty of this, and maybe you can tell your friends (over coffee perhaps?) that it really isn't cool when you put your lights on so that you can speed or go through red lights or stop signs, and then once you're 10 feet through, you turn them off.  It's a slap in the face to those of us whose cars don't come equipped with the special blue lights that allow you to ignore traffic signals.

Dear Overweight People:  This may seem harsh, but it's been burning at me since my days of working retail at Lerner in the mall.  If you need to ask for a knit miniskirt in a size 18, you really shouldn't be wearing one.

Dear Mountain Dew:  Please bring back the commercials of the cool and fun-loving teens all hopping into the bed of a pick-up with their cooler heading off to the rope swings in the woods.  While I don't like your soda, I always thought those people looked like they were having a great time.

Dear Former Boss:  Thanks for firing me for not proofreading your work when I had no clue what you were trying to say in your big corporate lawyer language.  At the time I thought it was really unfair, but after getting past the fact that I had no job and lost my apartment and had myself and my child to support with no idea how, I ended up at a temp agency which placed me at a printing company doing a job in which I had no experience and a job I would have never applied for had I not been desperate.  That printing company was where I met my husband so thank you.  P.S.  Watch out, though, because if I ever see her, I am telling your wife that you eat the healthy lunches she makes for you for breakfast and then you go out for lunch with clients and bill them for a lunch meeting.

Dear Becky S.:  I'm sorry for fist-fighting you.  I've creeped on your FB wall, and you are very pretty now.

Dear Buzzkill Bob:  Please let your wife come out and play one of these days.  I miss my BFF.

Dear Drama: Thanks for the compliment on my eyes today.  It was such a refreshing change from your usual comments on my appearance.

Dear Gerardo's:  Your cannolis are Fabulous!  Keep up the good work. And nice sales technique telling me it was cheaper to get a 1/2 dozen than to order them individually. Right on 'cuz 6 individual ones would have been $7.50 but the 1/2 dozen price was only $7.25! Now that's a good deal!  P.S. you should put that on a coupon: order a 1/2 dozen and save 3%.

Dear Mom and Dad: Thanks for the great example you gave me and my siblings on a good marriage and good parenting.  You lead by example, and continue to do so as you face each day side by side, in good times and bad.  I love you.

Dear Dad:  Please continue to write Mom love notes at Christmas and Valentine's Day and her birthday. We girls like to read them and cry. 

Dear Debbi:  When you think of feetie pajamas or baby hamsters, do you remember when I put a baby hamster in your feetie pj's and superglued the zipper shut?  Do you think that's funny yet?  If not, sorry I brought it up.  How about hypnotizing you in your sleep to say "I love George Handy" or "Choo choo" while wearing the train engineer hat?  No, not funny yet, ok, I'll give you some more time.  Maybe as much time as it will take my chipped tooth to heal after you hit me in the mouth with a clog.

Dear Cathi:  I still have the felt bookmark you made me that says "I am very sorry" in alphabet pasta letters.  It now says "I am ery sorry", but I have kept it all these years.  Thanks for being in the hospital with me when I had Jake and for understanding when I said I had back pain like John McCanus and for not getting mad when I threw the ice chips.

Dear David and Julie and Jake:  I will ONE DAY find out which one of you called me a whale at Myrtle Beach when I was 8 months pregnant.

Dear Dentist:  Thanks for saying that my wisdom teeth had to come out because my mouth wasn't large enough to support them (some people would be surprised to hear that I DON'T have a big mouth) and also for telling me that I would still be pretty after you fixed my tooth.

And last but not least, Dear Oncologist:  My Dad is very, very special and means alot to so many people.  He is a Dad, a Husband, a Grandpa, a Brother, an Uncle, a Friend, a Pastor and a spiritual mentor to many.  I know sometimes at work, we have off days where we kinda slack off and don't give 100%.  There should not be any of those slack-off days when my dad is scheduled to see you.  Please be reminded that my sister is a nurse at the same hospital where you work and that I work for a medical malpractice attorney.  These should not be considered threats but just informational tidbits so you can get to know all of us better.  We love Dad, take the best care of him and help him make the best decisions.  It is a privilege to know Dad, and we have let you into our circle of trust.  Take good care of him for us.  Thank you.


  1. It wasn't me, I was the larger than life mastermind at the wedding